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Monthly Archives: January 2013

AAARRRGGG

AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!

So lets see if I can actually write anything on this tablet. I’m jewish, a tablet was always something moses brought down from the mountain. Or something a wife took when she didn’t want to be with her hubby at night… “Not tonight Morris, I have a headache, I need to take a tablet”. I am writing on my new ipad, what a trip, but thats next weeks blog. How will that relate to my health you ask? I have a headache trying to figure it out, so there ya go.

Anyway today I want to talk about my bad eyeballs. It all started out when I got my new glasses. I’ve worn glasses for the last 50 years. Been through all the styles, all the trends. Tiny John Lennon wire frames to cat eyes to looking like George Burns. But this day I found THEM. Fabulous frames if I so say so myself. I found them in a store in New York City. Of course NY has the hippest greatest shops ever. You try on six gazillions pair going from looking studious to cute to “is that my insane aunt Ethel with the oversized magnified owl glasses looking back at me?” But I found my pair. Unbelievably perfect for my face. Unfortunately, too believably expensive for my wallet. So I left them in the store and started my research. Who made them. Who else sold them. How do I get them cheaper Ya da ya da ya da, my favorite saying as my followers know, long story short I found them, I bought them, I loved them. Took them to LensCrafters where they have made my glasses for years and in one day voila! I can see again. Or so I thought. My right lens was off. Everything was a little blurry and it was driving me crazy. I went back, complained and they remeasured and remade. Easy peasy. Gotta love glasses in an hour. I’m doing the old cover one eye, read the street sign. Cover the other eye, look at the poster. Read close, stare far, watch tv, cover your eye. I was my own eye doctor. “Better this way? Or this way…better? Worse?” Again I was getting really aggravated with them. How could they screw up twice? But they did, so back I went again.

Great guy my doc trying to figure it out, checking it twice just like Santa and yet again he changed my prescription. When that didn’t help he said “hate to say it but it looks like you have cataracts and I want you to go see a specialist. Ya know getting old is a matter of fact no getting around it, and at your age it will only get worse”. So I found a new ophthalmologist. He told me the same thing. I hate everyone.

So off I went to the surgical eye center where they promptly gave me even more tests and had the nerve to tell me I had cataracts in BOTH eyes, oh someone shoot me now! Now I feel twice as old. They said, ok here are your options. One, we can remove the cataracts and you will go back to your same vision you used to have (near sighted, far sighted and major astigmatism) but just wear glasses again and the surgery is covered by insurance and you’re back to normal. Or, and we recommend, removing cataracts and replacing the lens with corrective lenses and you won’t need glasses anymore. Now I’ve worn them all my life, used to wear contacts till they drove me insane and I’d rather have a root canal than put those broken pieces of glass in my eyes again. I know they have improved, they are disposable, thin like saran wrap on your eyeballs, but they still irritate my sensitive orbs. Anyway, to get the corrective lenses for astigmatism surgically put in, the surgery is covered, the lenses are 1500 bucks a piece. That should have been my first clue to run screaming into the night noooooooooooo! But I talked to my doctor, (yes the original who knows I’m an old fart ) and my hubby and my friends who all said the same thing..do it! What an opportunity, you’ll be so glad, you have beautiful eyes, get rid of those spectacles, you’ll look younger, do it! ok, so I do it… we all want to do it right? Surgery, no biggie to tell the truth. Better eyes, look younger? I’m in!! I’ve already had my ovaries ripped out, what’s a little cataract removal? Again, another blog.

Well, it’s a one day in and out, it’s like getting a colonoscopy, they just put ya “under” but it’s not “really under”. The problem for me… I wasn’t even “sorta under”, I had two surgeries, both eyes, went for the whole magilla. The first anesthesiologist, gave me the IV, I felt woozy, thought this will be good, feeling a little drunk, whoo whooo, and BAM, I feel him stick a needle in my eye. I literally said “What the f#@k? That didn’t feel good.” Talk about an understatement. (Which not to scare anyone, that is not supposed to happen, And no one I’ve talked to has ever felt that, and when i had my other eye done, I didn’t feel a thing!! and even this BAM, I was pretty sure it would have been a way bigger bam without the IV but it was a weird shocking BAM none the less) Anyway, everything was calm, shadowy, you’re aware, but not. Then it’s over, you wake up with a. Wonky eye, and you see like a fly out of that eye. Unfocused, blurry, sorta double vision. Then they put drops and keep watch and then put a clear plastic bulbous patch. I looked like an insane pirate. See picture above.

So it’s a week of don’t sleep on that side, don’t rub your eye, don’t lift anything, don’t cough, don’t sneeze, (how the hell do you stop yourself from sneezing?) and you know as soon as they say that it’s gonna happen. They even tell you don’t strain on the toilet? Really? So just sit there till it comes out on it’s own? Well, how bout, don’t even get out of bed, what the hells the point… lets eat… so I babied myself and ate like a pig. One week later I’m in for the next eye. I mentioned the needle in the eye thing, like if i feel that again, I’m kicking someone in the cajones… I don’t even know how to spell cajones I just tried not to say nuts, oh nuts. it’s want I said, nuts. Anyway, this guy knocks me out it was awesome one minute I’m there, the next I’m not…then I’m up and I say really that’s it, over? Wow, you are good!!!! And they say, well, no, the dr. is running late, he’s very backed up. I’m thinking I don’t care if he can’t take a dump what about my eye? So now he’s ready for me and I’m wide awake and yelling, more drugs !! put me out!! And they’re saying, your eye is blocked, totally gone, no pain, no feeling, you can be awake… so I figured what the hell, go for it. This should be a trip. So this time I’m wide awake, I get on the table/chair, they strap you down, draping my face with some material, and the whole time, I’m making jokes and he’s saying shut up you’re moving your face, oh really then give me some more DRUGS cause I’m a nervous wreck and I cant stop talking!! But actually, it was pretty darn cool, I was up for the whole thing, felt like water or something being poured on my eye, but other than that, totally painless and you really can’t see what they’re doing cause you kinda blind! But you know they are doing something, cause it’s surgery for gods sake… LOL…

Anyway, again, long story short, which this so obviously isn’t… as I heal, my one eye is not quite as clear as the other. Now I do have to mention that 2 days after surgery, that bitch Sandy, the storm of the century hits and now I’m healing without power, water, heat, and yep, that is not easy to keep up the things I have to do, but I do it cause that’s the kinda gal I am!!! Anyway, i heal, but I just don’t think that eye is clear like the other. I keep complaining about that and telling them and they say give it time to heal. It’s a week behind the other eye, it will catch up. Well, after bitching worse than Sandy, for almost 3 months and being home for a couple of those, I go back to my original dr. for a check up and he agrees that one eye is off. The right eye is almost 20/20, the left eye is about 85% of that. He says, no problem I can give you a contact lens to make it perfect. So I paid 3000 bucks for surgery to not wear glasses or lenses, to have to pay 30 bucks a month for the rest of my life to wear a lens that I had the surgery for so I wouldn’t have to wear a lens? Are you frigging kidding me?????? But he gives me a lens to try and lo and behold that eye is magically delicious, even better than the other one.

So back this bitching complaining hag goes to the surgeon again and they tell me that a lot of times, it’s just a few degrees off, just a minimal difference in eyes, and proceed to tell me I could just wear a contact lens. That’s when I lost it…. LOOK AT MY EYE !!!! Something is not right!! I am not an animal!!!!!! Ok, I wasn’t quite that obnoxious, they finally check it out, dilate my eye, look around in there, and sure enough, the one lens has rotated out of position. This is extremely unusual they tell me so of course my luck it has happened to me. It’s not a minor move either, it’s significant enough that they say I can only correct it by a surgical repositioning or lasix, where they change the shape of your eye with lasers. But he says, “It’s been almost 3 months and there might be too much scar tissue” but I opt for them to go take a look and they do, and it’s fixable so they put it back into position and send me home again. So now I have to go back to work on the cruise ship. Oh yeah, bad timing to say the least. They couldn’t listen to me and do it when I told them months ago to do it? I’m back to work on a ship, and I’m healing, so I can’t work out or pick up my bags at the airport, or sleep on my left side on the prison cot in the wall that I use for a bed. (Well, that’s how it feels!) I can’t let the shower hit my eye and I’m in a shower the size of my back seat. I can shower, shave, and pee all at the same time without moving. If I bend over to pick up the soap I flush the toilet with my butt. So how do i avoid the water in my eye. Let’s just say it’s not ideal conditions for healing.

And my hair color …oh puhleeze, I have gray roots longer than my arm, and I can’t use chemicals, I can’t wear eye make-up so I am one ugly duckling entertaining the cruisers. I look like i just got done floating on a piece of wood blowing a whistle behind the ship.
But where’s my diamond??? Anyway, so now here I am again, covering my eye… better? like this? or like this? squinting and so nervous that I’m still in the same boat… so to speak, oh I love when that happens. Ha! I still think it’s healing, it’s only been a week and a day, but it’s still not quite as clear, but i’m assuming it’s still all swelled up or squished in or whatever the hell happens inside your eyeball after surgery. And I have my appointment when I get back on dry land.

But here is the kicker, the other thing they mentioned but I wasn’t really thinking it through, didn’t take it too seriously, they said, you will never need glasses again, but you will need reading glasses. So I’m picturing having those little cute reading specs in my purse for menus in the restaurant and such. But noooooooo. I cannot see anything close to my face, so now I have them dangling off a chain around my neck like my grandma used to wear. It is my permanent string of pearls. It is the “accent” to every outfit I wear. Cause I can’t see my fingernails, I can’t type, I can’t read the directions on a can or the label on a box. I can’t change the channels on TV cause I can’t see the numbers on the remote in my hand. I have a pair of readers in every room of the house because if I forget to put them on, there better be a pair where ever I am. I’ve already lost a pair of expensive rayban sunglasses cause when I have the readers on, and I have to put on sunglasses, the readers go down, then the sunglasses go down, they don’t have a string, so I’m leaving them where ever. So when all is said and done, I am still wearing glasses. And the worst of it? I loved my glasses! They were the perfect pair, the hippest ever, they made me look good, I have been hiding behind my glasses for over 50 something years and I looked younger. You couldn’t see my wrinkles, you couldn’t see my dark circles, you couldn’t see my bags when I drank too much. WHAT DID I DO???? I WANT MY GLASSES!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAH….

Well, the story is almost over, I’ll report back when my eye heals, but I have to say one thing, someone came up to me the other day and said “what color are your eyes? they’re so pretty, like a brown/green” Hmmmmm no one has ever seen my eyes before…….